She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
