I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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