oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
