My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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