I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Hippo gnu deer
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
