Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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