She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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