chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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