We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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