If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
