i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I pour the whiskey from now on
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
