Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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