dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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