Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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