Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
