I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
