just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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