At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
