If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
