I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
