Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Randomize
