I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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