Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
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I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
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Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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