If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
