so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
