wanna go halves on a baby?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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