I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
