On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
