My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
