i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
