I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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