SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
