Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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