I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
