I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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