apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
People with herpes should wear stickers.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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