The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
