just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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