I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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