i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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