I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
