I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
