I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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