anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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