I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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