Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
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