so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
