Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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