I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
