You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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