i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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