god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
