I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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