you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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