Your face is a jimmy john
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
